The Road to Recovery

Here I am talking about my daughter again!  But no, I am also talking about my husband, other two children and us as a unit.  What we have all been going through as a family is something that can’t actually be put in words to fully describe every single emotion that we have felt and had to endure.  I am generally a very strong person and can cope with every single situation, but there have been times where I have felt that I could throw in the towel completely and never wake up again.  Then there were times that I had thought I was capable of really killing certain people who I felt played a big role in why everything was such a huge disaster.  If that was what I was feeling, I can just imagine how my for other family members must have felt like.

We have all been emotionally scarred and we have been tested to limits beyond the average person’s reach.  It had at certain points felt as if our entire family was falling apart and yes, I wondered if something that had been so broken could every be repaired again.  What I didn’t realize at that point is that everything can be repaired, but it will depend on the attitude that you have towards the situation.  I can’t sit here and tell you now that our lives are perfect, because it isn’t.  Show me anyone’s life that is perfect.  We all have problems and issues, some just a little bit different to the next person’s.

Isn’t it amazing though that when something isn’t as it should be, all the questions start flying around.  Why me?  What have I done to deserve this?  When will all of this end?  All these questions take up majority of the time, instead of us actually thinking of how to fix the problem.  I guess I just woke up one morning and decided, no more questions, only actions.  So I really started making work of the situation.  How?  Well I turned to God.

With all of my being, I wish my family would do the same.  But I have faith that they will in time to come.  In the meantime, I will preach and I will be patient.  In God’s eyes my marriage is sacred and forever.  And in God’s eyes my family is a unit.

I had found a book that I have had for a long time, just never took the time out to actually read it.  “Fireproof.”  Initially I saw the movie and it was so inspiring that I ended up buying the book.  Anyway, last night I decided to read a little and see what the first dare is.

Patience!

So, I figured, I can do this.  This is going to be a piece of cake or a walk in the park.  There were two Bible verses in the book that had relevance to the dare and so I wrote these two verses down on a piece of paper.  Then i wrote the dare at the bottom of the page.  This morning as I got out of the car at work, I gave my husband the piece of paper.  He took it and asked me what it was…..Sheepishly I said, it’s just something for you to read.

What was my thought process behind this?  Well, we always work together well as a team rather than individual.  I am not expecting him to take the dare, I am simply providing him with the opportunity.  If he doesn’t want to participate, I will do it alone, even though that is not my first preference.   Would be interesting to see if he does.

Regardless of what we are doing or what we are reading, I will still be turning to God and I will still pray for my family.  Despite everything that has happened, I don’t love anyone less than what I loved them to begin with.  If you persevere you can overcome anything and with God by your side all the better.

So here is my challenge for you today:  “Test yourself and see how long your patience will last.”

 

 

Exhausted Physically and Emotionally

Some days are better than others, but today is just one of those days where I have no energy to even bring the cup of coffee close to my mouth.  What a week it has been already.  On Tuesday evening when I arrived home from work, my son was in tears.  His 10-year-old friend, Shailyn, had sadly passed away from a heart attack.  So young and he hasn’t even experienced the most exciting parts of life, like going to his matric dance, having his first girlfriend, getting married, hold his own child in his arms one day and so much more.  My heart was absolutely broken just at the thought of this.  Shaylin was an only child.  How distraught must that mother and father be.  How do you continue with everything when it has just felt as if your life has fallen apart.  I wish that there was more that I can do or something that I could say that would comfort them during this sad time, but unfortunately nothing that anybody says can make a difference during times such as this.  I suppose the only thing that we are able to do right now is pray that God carries and strengthens them now.

Yesterday on the other hand was another long day at the hospital, taking my daughter to the psychiatrist and the psychologist.  Oh my word!  It is so frustrating sitting like this at the Hospitals.  Government/State owned hospitals are an absolute nightmare in South Africa.  There seems to be absolutely no order and I don’t think they really care on whether or not you sit there the whole day or not.  Besides that, it is filthy  and then I won’t even mention the stench.  Yesterday I had an elderly black man sitting next to me, but the male nurse really almost lets the person sit on your lap, so that everyone can fit on this tiny little bench.  Anyway this elderly man kept on wanting to talk to me, but I just couldn’t.  All his teeth in his mouth were rotten and some were missing.  When I say rotten, I mean black and gold broken little pieces that is left inside.

I felt sorry for him, but at the same time I couldn’t handle that smell at all.  On the other side of me there was a widow that shared her story with me.  My heart broke for her.  She was probably in her late fifty’s and for someone at that age to say:  “I should have listened to my parents”, says a lot.  Amazing how every single one of us has a story to tell.  We tend to sit and think that not everyone has it as bad as me, but then there are people who have it a lot worse.  Needless to say the day progressed and we eventually managed to see the psychiatrist. 

The Doc said that my daughter has a borderline personality disorder and have now again changed all her medication.  Impressive!  Because this is what all the Pastors were saying about my daughter and their reasoning is that it is caused by the Spirit of Jezabel.  Finally I have been to see two very different people and their stories basically coincided with one another.  The only difference is that the psychiatrist will reckon that it is a chemical imbalance, where the pastor will tell you it’s spiritual.  My husband on the other side will agree with the psychiatrist, because his belief just doesn’t seem to be where it should be.

It is absolutely tiring having to deal with this.  I’m rather stressed out about the medication that my daughter is on now.  Ten minutes after I had given it to her, she was out for a count.  Fast asleep, woke up very lethargic and went back to sleep soon afterwards.  Of course I worked in a little snooze there as well, but when I woke up, all hell had broken loose again.  My two younger children (boy and girl) thinks that it is acceptable to play “hitting” and “kicking” games.  And of course, they will do this whilst I am on the phone.

With all the ducking and diving, my daughter got punched square on the eye.  Slight little cut, but she is also moaning about the actual eye socket being sore.  Dad obviously let our son have it.  Unfortunately if it is left now and he doesn’t get reprimanded for it, he will one day think that it’s acceptable to hit his wife.  At about 11h30 last night I was still awake and heard running down the passage.  When I got up to look, it was my son, vomiting for absolutely no reason.

So of course with everything that has been happening, my sleep was so limited.  This morning, my poor dog was vomiting!  And I do not have stomach for things like that.  I tried my utmost best to control myself, but when the other dog joined in licking it all up, that was it for me! 

Tonight another busy night doing things around, because tomorrow evening we are getting visitors.

Being a mom is a full-time job on its own and right now I am trying to juggle two!

 

Please give me strength!

 

 

Never been a reader of anything

tired-student

So today I have come to tell you all about this fascinating book that I have been reading:  “He came to set the captives free – written by Rebecca Brown.”  It is amazing how certain things/people sort of find us, instead of us finding it/them.  Generally reading is the last thing on my mind.  Every time that I thought as much as picking up a book to read, I would literally fall asleep. 

The only books I have ever completed reading and was extremely into was Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking dawn – written by Stephanie Meyer.  How awesome was those books?  Still today, I will watch the movies based on these books, over and over again.  My family tends to get so frustrated with me about it.

About two weeks ago my friend, Maggi, told me about the book:  “He came to set the captives free.”  She had told me about this book, because of everything that I was going through with my daughter and insisted that I find this book.  I had searched the internet two whole days, before finding a place where I could download this book from.

That same evening I started reading it.  During the first couple of pages it felt as if this book was directly speaking to me and I was amazed.  Isn’t it strange how we were brought up in the church and we were taught about God, we tend to know that there is a God, but never do we actually think of really building on that relationship.  We pray in a certain way and when our prayers aren’t answered, we question whether there is in fact a God and if there is, why did something happen or why He wasn’t listening.

Thankfully prior to me coming to hear of this book and actually reading it, I have had my experience with God, where I came to realize that He is there and He is listening.  If it hadn’t been for that, I would have thought that this book was based on someone’s imagination or fantasy world. 

I do believe in God and I do accept Him as my Father, my protector, the master of my life and my Saviour.  I also believe that there is a clear line between good and evil and that the battle between the two will continue for centuries to come.  This book explains that there is so much more to this realm that we are living in, things that a lot of us won’t be able to see or touch.  Satan at a constant battle against God, because Satan want’s to destroy everything that God has touched and made beautiful.

I’ve got a couple of questions for you and I’d like to you to think about it and answer truthfully:

  • Do you really believe there is a God
  • Do you believe in God – IE, Do you live your life the way God wants you to live it
  • Do you believe that Satan exists
  • Do you believe that Satan has human’s as well as demons doing his bidding
  • Do you believe in Demons
  • Do you believe that you have free will and that you can choose whether or not you will live your life in evil or good

After reading this book I have learnt so much more and it has cleared my clouded mind, opened my closed eyes and opened my heart to the Lord.  As I was reading I came across the thing that probably shocked me the most:  “Vampires, Zombies and Werewolves do in fact exists.”  Yes I know, sounds out of this world and you are probably sitting there thinking that I am in fact losing my mind. 

The book explains that these are demons inhabiting a person’s body and can change the person’s appearance and become that.  These Vampires, Zombies and Werewolves are used by Satan to punish people from the cult when they have done wrong.  Does the book pickle your interest yet?

I thought that it would.  Satan uses people.  What do you think happens with you when he is done with you?  He destroys you, ends your life.  Do you think that once you have been involved with Satanism that you can just easily walk away from it all?  No you can’t.  Even after you have accepted Jesus into your life, the battle can still continue.  Satan won’t just let you walk away so easily.  Just think what an embarrassment it would be to lose one of his own, to God.

There’s so many of these demons doing Satan’s bidding, so many people getting involved with the cult.  I think growing up a lot of my friends must have thought that I am such a scared little girl.  Everybody was playing all sorts of games in which they were able to call up the dead, I refused point-blank.  I just know that if I had to suddenly hear a voice or be touched (and this has happened) that I would run on water to get away from it.  Now that I think about it, I’ve actually had a couple of experiences already as far as that was concerned.

There was also a group of children in my school that was involved with Satanism.  I actually just recall everyone talking about them and where their house was, but I can’t remember ever seeing what they looked like.  Not disappointing at all, because I didn’t want to see them or even walk past their house.

At one point everybody was talking about their cats going missing and of course the blame was put on that specific group of people who was involved with the whole satanic things.  During those years and even up until just before I started reading the book, I didn’t know much about it.  Now of course I know that this cult does indeed do human, as well as animal sacrifice.  I know now that the blood is consumed.  How disgusting!

I will never in my life be able to do something so inhumane.  And if I had to choose, I would by all means with 100% certainty choose the Lord’s side. 

This book is extremely serious and I would recommend it to anyone.  If there is anybody interested, kindly comment with your email address and I will email the book directly to you.

All Glory to God

I haven’t written in a while because I haven’t been myself this last two weeks, but today I am feeling much better.  I sort of finally feel like there is light at the end of this dark tunnel that we have been in as a family and the feeling is super awesome.   All the troubles and difficulty that we have endured can be rectified and only by God.  In all honesty, there have been times for about the last 6 years that I have had my doubts about whether or not there even was a God and like many other the question was always:  “If there is a God, then why is my life hell and why am I going through such a difficult time, struggling to find my feet all the time.”  I can’t recall how many times I simply sat there crying and felt like I was on the verge of giving up.

Literally everything in our lives were going wrong like our relationship with our children, our marriage, our financial situation, etc.  There have been many times that we didn’t even have food on the table or petrol in our car for that matter.  The more things started going wrong, the worse the relationships within the family went.  We had started blaming each other for our circumstances and nobody was supporting each other in all aspects.  We had all become so self-absorbed and selfish.  There was a constant negative atmosphere and on more than one occasion I felt that I could just pack my bags and leave.  I couldn’t handle the arguments anymore and I couldn’t handle the fact that everybody was expecting more of me than what I was capable of giving.  It had broken my heart realizing that my relationship with my children had deteriorated so much that we couldn’t really even have a normal conversation anymore.  At the same time I was the one sitting there feeling so helpless and guilty at the same time.

As per my previous blog posts, you will note that I have emphasized a lot of what I was enduring with my eldest daughter whom we were experiencing hell with for well over a year now.  The entire situation with her was starting to take up a lot of our time and energy.  The more we were struggling with that, the worse our relationship had become with her, especially between her and her dad.  Even though I had become so enraged with her at times, I was still the one trying to keep the peace between my husband and her.  The entire time something felt as if this wasn’t right what we were going through and that there were more to it than what we were realizing.  I just couldn’t put my finger on the actual problem until just recently and looking back on it, all the signs were there.  I simply couldn’t see it.

The person that I saw standing in front of me, wasn’t my daughter.  Every time someone said something about the situation with her, I would tell them:  “This isn’t Kaede.”  Kaede isn’t a bad person and she actually has such a soft and kind heart.  Every time that she did something or ran away from home, I would ask her:  “How can you say you love me, but continuously hurt me like this?”  I want to tell you all about some of the signs that were visible to us and then I would like to know what your thoughts are.

  • Round about May / June last year my daughter started cutting herself. It didn’t matter whether it was on the wrists, arms or legs.  Some of the cuts with rather deep and was leaving horrible scars.  When I came to know about it, I moaned at her and told her that it was completely unacceptable.  Even though she had promised to stop, she didn’t and told me that she couldn’t.  On several occasions I had been phoned by the school whom told me to come and fetch her, because she had lost it at school and started cutting. 
  • July / August last year I got in touch with a private psychologist to try to get her the help that she needed. The unfortunate things was that the psychologist couldn’t tell me anything about her discussion with my daughter.  During this period she continued with the cutting and all ran away from home.  She has become pale, lifeless and extremely angry and violent.  Eventually she was admitted to Hospital as a suicide risk and released two days later with the result that there was nothing wrong with her except for some depression.  She had simply manipulated everybody in the Hospital and had befriended them.  When we were home, she had told me that she had been seeing things and hearing voices. 
  • September I had a little bit of a breakdown and told my husband that if we didn’t do anything and do it soon, we were going to lose her. We would get home one day and find her body.  He had then come to know of a Zulu lady that can assist through prayer.  We took her there and one of the things consisted of her having an ice-cold blessed water wash.  During the time that they were doing this, I saw the look in my daughter’s eyes and she had turned her neck all the way around to look at me.  After the wash, they started with the prayers.  I sat there watching Kaede and seeing the look in her eyes and how she was trying to get away.  She suddenly calmed down and I almost fell to my knees with an extremely heavy weight on my shoulders.  Immediately these ladies started praying for me and I too had to get washed afterwards as well as my husband.  Afterwards my daughter spoke openly with me and told me all the secrets that I hadn’t known.
  • It was in September that I sent her to go and stay with my parents, as I knew the people that she were involved with at that point, was a direct threat on her and our family. During the time that was away more stories surfaced, but the cutting had also continued from time to time. 
  • She returned home in December, just before Christmas, and was looking good. Happy to see us all and full of promise on how she was going to better herself.  I had given her the option to change schools and she insisted that she wanted to go back to the same school, as she couldn’t run away from her past.  The entire holiday went really smooth without many problems besides the minor attitude here and there.
  • End February/March this year we had started experiencing difficulties again, being called in because Kaede wasn’t doing her school work and so forth. It was difficult as we were again having a repeat of last year.  Her books were opened by the teacher and in the books there was absolutely nothing.  I was so disappointed.  In one of the books I noticed blood writing in the back of the book.  I of course confronted her about the book and she told me that she had done a sole tie with another girl in her school.  It was later that I found out that the girl she had done it with was born from a women that was HIV positive and that her father was also HIV positive.  I immediately took my daughter for test and by the grace of God, the test came back negative.
  • In April she had been place in isolation in the school, thus unable to enjoy breaks like the other children. When I demanded answers as to why she was placed in isolation, the teacher told me that the father of the girl that she had done the sole tie with was at the school and told them to keep my daughter away from his, due to the fact that my daughter was a Satanist.  I was so upset because I didn’t know why this guy would go around saying things like that.  Of course because of the seriousness of the matter, I took my daughter out of school and got her into a tutor centre at a church for Home schooled children.  During this time she had become involved with a boy knows as Thomas, whom was/were directly involved with Satanism.
  • Towards the middle of June, she had started sneaking out of the house in the early hours of the morning. During this time she would get onto bikes with no helmets, go to the beach and became intimate with two other boys.  Thomas was extremely upset when she confessed her sin’s to him, but decided that he would remain with her regardless, because of his feelings towards her.  I needed help and assistance and was therefore introduced to Pastor Nathan.  His whole approach to the situation made me feel uneasy, as if he wasn’t telling me the truth at all times.  Towards the end of June, Kaede ran away from home again (3rd time).  This time I found her relatively quickly, but was so angry that I ended up going to the police with the matter.  As we were in the Captain’s office, he told me that whatever was going on with Kaede is spiritual.
  • In July Pastor Nathan arranged for a meeting with the social worker. After we had met with us and my daughter, she told us that Kaede should stay with us and then she feels Kaede should come off the antidepressants.  Again our efforts to secure my daughter’s safety, was to no avail.  The entire time Pastor Nathan was talking in circles and one evening told me that Kaede had been drinking her own blood.  I thought that was a load of rubbish.  How could someone say that?  In the end, I cut my ties with Pastor Nathan and requested that he please leave our family alone. 
  • In August my daughter again ran away from home, this time with an eleven year old girl. During the search and speaking to the police, my husband had contacted Pastor Nathan.  When he pitched up there he told the police that my daughter is satanic and that this eleven year old girl’s life was in danger.  I again got extremely upset, because you can’t go around making accusations like that.  Late that evening we had found both the girls safe and unharmed.  When I questioned my daughter about the incident, she told me only what she felt I should hear and not the entire truth.  I however knew that it wasn’t the full truth.  There were just too many things that wasn’t adding up.  I had finally reached a cross-road and wasn’t too sure in which direction to turn.  In the end, I had decided to turn to a friend that was a clairvoyant, whom told me that Kaede was involved with the cult.
  • Last week Thursday I was sitting talking to a friend and she (out of the blue) told me that she had also been involved with Satanism when she was younger. I was a little bit upset by it all and told her that I don’t at all agree with things like that.  I walked off to the bathroom and whilst I was sitting there, it bothered me, so I went back and asked her if she thought my daughter could be involved with things like that.  Her answer was yes.  I then asked her, why she thought that it was like that and she said that it was because of my daughter’s eyes and the way that she spoke to me and my husband.  She told me that there was a book that I should read:  “He came to set the captives free.”  That evening I searched high and low for this book on the internet, but couldn’t find it.  The more I was reading up about all of this, the more questions I had for my daughter.  That evening my daughter confirmed that she had still been seeing things.  She couldn’t see the faces, but she knew they were there.  I demanded whichever spirit this is provide me with a name, at that point it felt as if something touched me.  My daughter did not know how to pronounce the name, but wrote it on a piece of paper.  “Arvaughn.”  This was confirmation to me that I was dealing with somethings that I had no knowledge about.
  • Last week Friday, I received a call from my daughter’s teacher informing me that he had heard from some of the other children in the school that my daughter was planning on running away from home again. This time is was apparently with a man who had gotten a transfer with work.  He also said that my daughter was wanting a baby and that he is very concerned by this, as he feels that my daughter’s problem is spiritual and that she wanted this baby for sacrifice.  The horror that went through my mind at that point was something out of this world.  I then arranged a meeting with the Pastor and another gentlemen from the church for this past Sunday.

During the Church service people were invited up onto the stage that needed prayer, so I decided to go up.  When I looked back, my daughter was behind me and also going to the front for prayer.  I was shocked and relieved at the same time.  They started praying for people on the far left and moved their way to us that was standing on the far left.  They prayers were short, but covered everything.  Two people during the prayers, one in front of you and one standing behind you.  When they touched my daughter, I hear several voices and peaked to the side, seeing all the people around her.  The energy was unbelievable and the prayer even more so.  The prayer lasted longer than the others and they were saying that the Demon should leave this child, the Demon has no authority over this child and so forth.  I couldn’t believe it and was really amazed.  God is truly a great God and He knows our struggles.  She had taken the first step towards our Lord Jesus.

After the services was concluded we were called into the prayer room with the youth pastor and the other gentlemen.  Whilst we were standing there, he asked my daughter questions and told me that my daughter did not have control over her own mind and body, due to the presence of the Jessabelle spirit.  All that she had done was not her own doing, but the doing of this evil spirit.  He had asked me about my husband’s faith and even though I kept it minimal, he already knew.  See years back my husband was highly involved with spiritualism, doing psychic readings for people and so forth.  He also sensed a lot of turmoil within me, which he was pretty accurate with.  Regardless, they prayed for me and my daughter again.  They want to see my husband as well and close any doors that he might have opened in the past with what he had done.

I walked out of the Church yesterday feeling renewed and so much more relaxed.  Even my daughter had seemed a lot calmer that was she has been.  Praise goes to our Lord and Saviour.  Finally this is the light that I had been searching for.  God is the only one that can help us through our time of need, God is the only one that can and will protect us.  I thank the Lord for this amazing experience. I am not perfect, but I want to live my life for God only.  I want so desperately want my husband and my children to see the Lord like I do and for them to believe as much as what I believe.  It feels like things are going to come to a point now and I pray and believe that I am right.  There is a reason for everything happening and this could have happened so that we can get closer to the Lord.

 

Daily Prompt: Shiver

via Daily Prompt: Shiver

Shiver can be defined in so many ways.  Some people shiver from the cold, whilst others shiver from fear or excitement.  I’ve heard so many times people even saying:  “I shivered at the thought of that.”  Me on the other hand, simply just shiver from the cold.  I have this argument in our office almost on a daily basis, because come rain, wind or a nice sunny day, the aircon has to be on.  I’ve already contemplated putting a request in for my office to be moved to the back room in the building, where the sun always shine in and of course the back room is also unoccupied.  

Before I moved to Kwazulu Natal, I loved the cold days, the shivers and cuddling up under a nice warm duvet.  Those were the days.  Moving here was an adjustment.  The heat made me feel sick all the time and I couldn’t wear half the clothes that I had in my cupboard because everything felt that it was so clingy to my skin.  Everyone told me that I would acclimatize and that it would get easier.  “Didn’t really believe them at that point in my life.”

When it finally happened, I was surprised and enjoyed the fact that I could again dress warm and shiver occasionally.  But we are never happy with anything that we have in life.  We are always wanting what we can’t have.  I’ve reached this point where I am now cold all the time!  Would very much love some warmth again.  

 

Lord Change Me

I haven’t written anything for a couple days now and to be honest, I wasn’t really sure on what to write.

Everything in my life has gone so horribly wrong for so long and I think that sometimes we reach a point in our lives where you almost feel like you are going to give up.  You question your entire existence.  Why do I have to suffer?  Why do I have to sacrifice?  Why can nothing in my life just go right for a change? Why is God not helping me?  Why are my prayers not being answered? The questioning can go on and on and on.  And then of course, God please change my children, especially my eldest daughter.  God please change my husband and God please change our circumstances.

This until my sister in law gave me a book to read.  “The power of a praying wife.”  Last night I had started reading this book and it felt as if this book had especially been written for me.  While I was laying on my bed reading, I came to realise that all my questioning and all my prayers had been extremely selfish.  Everything was about change that I wanted in my life, questioning all the things that I felt was wrong in my life.  All along I had neglected to really pray for the right reasons.  Even though I had just managed to read the first chapter of the book, I am so looking forward to reading the rest.

During all of these emotions, I listened to my husband when I spoke about the way that he was feeling and what he was going through, but it almost got me to the point that I just didn’t care about all of that.  My concern was only myself.  I pray, but yet nothing seemed to have improved, so last night I realized that everything can’t be handed to you on a silver platter.  If you want your situation to change, there is changes that you have to make within yourself.

I prayed that my daughter comes right, that she stops all of her nonsense, that she stops running away from home, that she stops telling my lies and hiding things from me.  I had been fighting her on everything and it return I believe that this had made her more determined to do what she wants to do and when she wants to do it.  I wasn’t allowing her to find her own place in this world.  So prior to reading the book, I spoke to someone that told me to change your entire approach, because the more I was fighting her, the more determined she will be.

I believe a lot of her problems had started with her first “true love”.  He was a drug addict, thief and whatever else you can think of.  I had warned him to stay away from our family and that I would do what I have to, to ensure that it stays that way.  Which of course I did.  I went to the police and laid every single charge I could possibly lay against him, as he stole from us, etc.

So on Saturday morning, I cornered her in the passage and I said that I will not stand in her way anymore.  I realize that you are not over your relationship with Gareth and I realize that no matter what I do, you will always find a way to fight me on it.  This is not me “not caring” or not loving you, but this is me hoping and trusting that the values I have instilled in you will shine through.  This is me hoping and trusting that you will do the right thing, but this is also me telling you that there is consequences to everything that you do in life.

Sad reality is that if you associate yourself with criminals, you too will be a “marked one”.  This is not something that I wanted for her, but it is also something that I can’t control anymore.  All I can do now is pray that God provides me with the strength and wisdom to be able to deal with every situation that arises.  Let Him show me the way.  Let Him show me what I should change in myself in order for me to change the situation.

I can’t sit here and constantly cry because my life is falling apart.  For a while now I have been feeling like my marriage has fallen apart and that is something that has probably hurt me the most.  I really love my husband with all of my heart and I would do just about anything for him, but at the same time I have cast a lot of anger and blame towards him because of our situation.  This is something that he knows, because he has already said to me that he knows I blame and hate him……..

Even though I sat there and said that I am just as much to blame for everything, I didn’t really believe it.  I felt that he was the one that gave up, but I couldn’t, I had to carry on and carry this huge burden on my shoulders.  But after reading, I tried to actually sit and imagine how he was feeling.  He is the man in the house, the head of our home.  I prayed last night and I told God that I do have a lot of resentment towards my husband and I am angered, He must please help me in releasing these emotions and supporting my husband.  Again, this is a change that I require within myself.

I will give my life to God completely and I will change myself willingly.  I have admitted to my short comings and all my negative emotions.  I submit myself to God and I am asking Him to walk with me and show me the way, even if nobody else in my family believes, I believe!  Divorce and running away from my problems is not what God wants.  The day I married my husband, I became one with him in God’s eyes.  I will pray for my husband and my children and I will put my trust in God’s hands.

It is amazing after reading just the first chapter of this book that it has made such a huge impact in the way that I feel and the things I could see so much more clearly. The author of this book is Stormie Omartian and this is not the only book that she has written, such as “The power of a praying parent” and “The prayer that changes everything”.  I would love to read all of her books.

Today is the first day in ages that I feel just a little bit more relaxed than what I have been feeling.  I am feeling a little bit more hopeful, even though I am feeling exhausted.  Last night there was also a sense of calmness that came over me.  Isn’t it just amazing how prayer can affect our lives?  So with that said, my you all bow to your knees and admit everything to the Lord and let Him help you through whatever obstacle my come your way.  Ask for His guidance.

My Breaking Heart….

When I got home from work last night, my youngest daughter came running to me and telling me that her eleven year old friend (whom ran away with my eldest daughter this past Saturday) told her to search for my eldest daughter’s diary in her cupboard because there were things in there that she thinks we should know about.

As much as I didn’t want to invade my daughter’s privacy, I couldn’t help but have this extreme urge to find it and see what was written in there.  I found myself overcome with guilt because a parent or anyone for this matter should be doing this, but at the same time I was angered by the fact that I had to do it because my daughter doesn’t share anything with me.

Like a sly person I sat on my bed reading, whilst my youngest daughter was watching to see and warn me should my oldest one come.  All the things that I started reading was hurting me so much.  The one thing that had stood out the most was the list of people that she trusts.  Sadly I was not on that list, neither was my husband or her two younger siblings.

As a parent when you see these things, you always seem to question everything.  Why does she feel like she can’t trust you?  Are you a bad parent?  Can you ever mend the broken bond between you guys?  The list can carry on and on….

Whilst I was reading, I had come to know more about her relationship with all the wrong type of people as well and her plan during last week to run away that Saturday, after she had me convinced that she wasn’t planning anything in that regard.  “I actually believed her.”  It was actually getting to the point where I started trusting her again.  Finally it had felt as if our lives was coming together again.

These people that she seems to be associating herself with, are known criminal in our town.  They are people suffering from all kinds of addictions.  And no, we don’t allow her to go out and meet up with friends, this is all being done behind our back.  A simple ride on the bicycle turns into her meeting around the corner.  We do not allow her to have a phone, so she send messages on the sly from our phones and then deletes it so that we aren’t aware of anything.

I had been reading a specific entry in the diary made last week in which she was saying that she was going to Johannesburg to meet up with an “ex”, if that is what you can call him.  She stated that she knew that if she was with him, that nobody would find her and they could be together for the rest of their life.  Her plan was then to also fall pregnant with his child, so that he could never leave.

Suddenly my youngest daughter told me that she was coming towards the room, so I jumped up and shoved the diary under all my clothes in the cupboard and laid back on the bed.  When she walked in her first question was:  What is wrong?  I couldn’t contain myself any longer.  I was hurting so much and I felt so betrayed.  Numerous conversations and advise had made absolutely no difference in her life.

I started questioning her and she kept on wanting to know where this was all coming from.  She walked out of my bedroom and went to hers.  Seconds later she came back in my room and told me that I had taken her diary.  I admitted and told her seeing that she knows about it, let’s sit down and read it as I hadn’t finished before.

The last entry was made on the 22nd of August and it wasn’t the easiest entry for me to read.  It was all about her with the current boyfriend that she had also betrayed so much.  Toward the middle of the entry, my eye caught something about pregnancy.  My heart dropped and I had so much anger!  She said that she thought she might be pregnant because she is a day late.  I looked at her and asked her if she was still “late” and she said yes.

I immediately sent the boyfriend a message asking if he was proud of himself.  Only as I am writing this now, I remember my dad asking me that same question when I told him that I was pregnant.  When I sent him that message I was absolutely furious and I am still here.

The audacity of then asking me if I’m going to the police!  And when I ignore the message he tells me that he would like the opportunity to rather hand himself over to the police himself as he doesn’t want them to come and arrest him at his house.  So concerned about his own image and what people might say about him, but there is absolutely no concern about what my daughter might be going through, nor about what I am going through as her mother.

I had asked my husband to go and get a pregnancy test from the pharmacy, but he came back with the cheapest test ever.  We did the test and the results showed negative.  Everybody seemed rather happy about the results, but I keep on telling them that there is absolutely no confirmation that this test is accurate.  Nowadays you get all these fancy tests that can pick up from one week into the pregnancy.

I remember when I suspected my niece was pregnant, we took her blood tests that came back negative, even though she was indeed pregnant.  If your timing is just slightly off, that is the result that you will be getting. 

This morning driving to work, it the reality just sort of hit me again.  What is she is pregnant?  What future will she have?  What future will this baby have?  Not only that, but on Saturday when she was being so irresponsible to run away from home, she didn’t just place her own life in danger, but that of possibly an unborn baby as well.  I was in tears most of the way to work.  My head felt like it was going to burst.

The previous three times when she ran away from home, was hurting me and every time I managed to make peace with everything that happened.  This time however I am really struggling to come to terms with it all.

Does she not realise how a baby will affect her life.  She is only 15 years old and is already having to repeat grade eight.  In my eyes she is too young to be a mother and she nor the father is in any position to provide for a little life such as that.  For goodness sake, the father is trying to make a name for himself by rapping.  Where do you make time for studying and caring for a baby. 

I can see what will happen, I’m going to have to be the one that steps in.  I am going to have to be the one providing and taking care of the baby.  This is a choice that my daughter made on her own accord and she has decided on my behalf as well, because I had no knowledge of anything.

During the end of June she had actually approached me and told me that she wanted a baby.  It took days of lecturing, but I had eventually convinced her that this is such a bad decision.  We were walking in the mall and she said that she had been thinking about everything I said and I am right, she should wait until she has established herself before contemplating a baby.

It was all just lies and deceit.  She had manipulated my mind in thinking that she had gone off the topic of pregnancy. 

Children don’t seem to realize that their parent’s love them and want only the best for them at all times.  I don’t want to see any of my children struggling one day, I don’t want to see them jump from one work to the next, I don’t want to not have a roof over their head or a car to get from point A to point B.

I want them to be successful and I would love to see them settle down with loving partners and beautiful families.  This could happen!  They are all three so capable of achieving great things in life.  My eldest daughter had such a great outlook in life and it has all gone to ruins.

As a mother what do I do? My heart is breaking.

The loss of a child

8 year old boy

This morning on my way to work, listening to the radio, I heard a story about an 8-year-old special need’s boy that was mauled by the neighbour’s wolf type dogs.  It saddened me that a little life was taken and at the same time it angered me as a mother as to how his life was taken.  I can imagine the fear that he had felt whilst this was happening, the pain that he had to endure and the extreme heartache that the parent’s as well as the family must have felt.

When I got to work, the thought of this kept on playing over and over in my mind, so I decided to search the story online.

http://www.iol.co.za/news/crime-courts/child-torn-to-death-by-neighbours-dogs-1959785

Reading the article made me feel even worse.  This poor little boy was born with a heart defect and curvature of his spine.  Due to this he had to endure several operations during his short life.  It goes to show that no matter what defects or illnesses you have, it never means that it is this that will take your life.  This story is a fine example of that.

Innocently playing on his bicycle in their own garden….  I find the tears just running down my face. 

What is most frustrating is the fact that this was not the first incident with these dogs.  They had also killed this family’s cat and dog on previous occasions.  At that point this family had insisted that the dogs be put down, but as the owners of the dogs pleaded for this not to happen, they had given in and again moved forward.

Yet the owner is adamant that these were not vicious dogs.  How can one say that considering what the dogs had already done in the past.  And how can they say that, when they had locked the dogs up every time that people entered their property?  It simply doesn’t make sense.

Just imagine the regret that the family of little James must be living with.  I place myself in this situation and I would beat myself up thinking that I should have insisted back then that the dogs be put down.

But then again, I believe that everything in life happens for a reason and your life’s path had been laid out before you were even born.  You can’t regret choices that you have made.  Loss is never easy.

It is so unfortunate that it’s because of dogs like these, that people nowadays are extremely fearful of animals.  I have five dogs at home and they are part of our family, they are like my children.  We have 1 Sharpei (11 years), 1 Pug (5 years), 2 German shepherds (7 months & 5 months) and a cross-breed Staffi/Pitbull that we adopted not knowing her age.

We have brought them all up with as much love and attention as what we can and will continue to do so.  With that said, I do think that the way you raise your dogs will play a big role in what they become, just like the way we bring our children up.

I can say that my dogs are protective and should an intruder enter my property they will fight to the very end, but I have never had to lock my dogs away when we have had visitors.  We have had people with toddlers visiting us and when they get there I would tell my dogs that this is a baby and play nice.  This toddler can pull their ears and their tales, never once have my dogs snapped and bitten them.

As a result of the way that I raised them, I am always capable of bringing new dogs into the family without an issue.

If at any point my dogs had to hurt another animal or human being, I would have them put down immediately, no matter how hard it may be and no matter how much it would sadden me.

In my eyes I feel that the owners of the dogs that killed little James, should never have pets again going forward.  Unfortunately some people are just not cut out for it.  You actually have to love pets in order for you to know how to work with them.

My heart goes out to the family that lost their child in this whole ordeal.  Nothing will ever replace James in their lives and now all they have is the memories and have to live every day with the nightmare of that faithful day.  God is gathering His angels and that special boy is one amazing little angel.

Emotional Wreck Part 2 – Am I a bad parent?

Emotional Wreck

And so the story continues…….

My daughter came to my work after school on Friday and asked me if she could use my phone for a short while to talk to her boyfriend.  I had forgotten that I had received a message from her teacher earlier in the day informing me of my daughter’s plans to run away from home and thus I did not have the opportunity to delete the message either.

I guess we can all see where this is going.  She saw the message!  But besides that, this little Jessabelle also read my messages with my husband.  Who gave her a right to do that and why is she doing that?  The drive home was okay, but when we left she proceeded to tell me that she has absolutely no intention of running away from home and that the people who are saying these things are sucking it out of their thumbs.  She actually had me convinced that this story was twisted and that she was actually not going to run away.

On Friday evening, the children asked me if they could go to youth and so I took them.  They all seemed very happy and content.  For a change all of them were getting on pretty well.  On Saturday morning, my son had a soccer match on at the school and the girls and my younger daughter’s eleven year old friend wanted to go with and support him.  My husband dropped them off at school and came back home to change because it was pouring down with rain.  He hadn’t been at home long and went back to the school, upon which he couldn’t find my eldest daughter and the eleven year old friend.  He searched for about an hour, before returning home to ask me for assistance.

I got dressed and off we went.  We really drove all over town, thinking that they might be messing around with some other friends.  Eventually the school sport was finished and we had still not found them.  I returned home in the hopes that they might have taken a walk home, but to no avail.  I was trying to plan my next move, when I received a message from the eleven year old’s brother, asking me if his sister was still with me, as he had just received a message stating that Kaede and his sister is getting on a train and that they are heading for Gauteng.  I immediately drove down to the train station (almost 13h00 already at the time), but the ticket office advised that the girls had left on the train at 10h45.  My nerves were shattered and knowing that I would never be able to find them in the big city, I went straight to the Police asking for their assistance.

They were obviously not very helpful at all.  This could have been expected, because it is South Africa that we are talking about.  I drove to the next two town, checking at the train stations in the hopes that they had gotten off somewhere.  I stopped busses checking if the children was in the busses.  During all of this, I kept on hoping and praying that they were safe.  I also had to deal with the fact that I had to tell another mother who’s child was in my care, that your child is gone.  How do you do something like that?  How do you continue living if something happened to them.

I know that the main stop before the train leaves for Gauteng is in Durban and I wasn’t prepared to go to Durban by myself because it is too dangerous.  On every street corner there are people selling drugs, there is prostitution and there have been several cases of young girls being taken, drugged up and then put on the streets.  I went home and asked my husband to go with me.  We stopped at the Durban train station just before six and started looking around.  I hadn’t been there long before I received a message from the eleven year old’s mother telling me that they had found the kids and that they were at the Durban police station.  We drove straight there, still extremely nervous and wondering if the children was okay.  When we got there, we had found that the kids were at a different police station, but a very helpful lady said that she would arrange for the children to be brought there instead of us going that police station as the area is extremely bad.

We had waited a while…  All the emotions and anger was really getting to me during all of this.  I can’t believe that she had done it again, especially after she had told me on Friday that she had no intention of leaving.  I can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that someone can tell you that they love you so much and then proceed to hurt you over and over again.  Due to the fact that we knew the dangers in Durban, my sister-in-law asked the Organization called Pink Ladies for assistance.  They place adverts on their Facebook page and most probably have connections all over South Africa.  They were however advised that the children had been found and then when this is confirmed, the advert is amended to show that the child has been found.  Personal details as to where is not shared with the public.

Sunday I was extremely tired and still very emotional.  I didn’t really want to talk to anybody.  On Sunday evening my friend had sent me a message telling me that there are very nasty comments on Facebook about us as parents and that she hopes that I don’t mind the fact that she put them in their place, because they can’t go around judging people when they in fact know nothing about anything.  “So you have an ill daughter and you have tried everything you can possibly try, does that make you a bad parent?”  You are constantly wanting to communicate with your daughter and every time she says that she doesn’t feel like talking, does that make you a bad parent?  You will do absolutely anything for your child, does that make you a bad parent?  You have taught your child not to tell lies and to respect other, yet they do it regardless of your teachings, does that make you a bad parent?

Because you so deeply love your child and want to protect them from any harm, they feel that they have the right to hurt and betray you so much!

In my life, I have never felt as empty and unloved as what I do today.  What more can one parent do?  All these negative comments on Facebook from people who live in the same town as us!  We are scarred for a very long time.  How do you recover from something like this?  Everybody is always so quick to judge the parents, but what blame or consequence is there for the child?

It is extremely frustrating being in the position.  And what makes this situation even worse is the fact that she has two younger siblings that are always affected by this and their relationship is being affected in so many ways.  There is no more respect left.  How will they ever rebuild this broken bond?  I ask myself every time, can this get any worse?  Yes, it can definitely.

What happens if the next time she does this, she get raped, kidnapped or murdered?  I suffer with high blood pressure and there is a history of heart disease and strokes in our family.  What if her next actions affect my health badly and I have to end up in a wheelchair for the rest of my life?  What happens if she is taken away from us and put in a place of safety?  And if she doesn’t do this again and something happens to me or my husband, how will that guilt eat her alive?   She will be alone, because her brother and sister have already withdrawn from her.

There is so many questions and my mind is running 100 km/hour.  My child is deliberately placing her life in danger and emotionally damaging her family that loves and cares for her, despite what she believes.

Things will have to change and it would appear as though I have decisions to make.

Emotional Wreck

Today I am finding myself sitting here feeling a flood of emotions and it is not good emotions at all.  Can your child put you through so much all at once?  Can one person hurt you as much as what she is hurting me?  On Monday I received a call and the person said that my daughter was planning and plotting to run away from home again and that she had a cell phone with her.  I didn’t want to let her know that I had received this information, nor from whom I received the information (very reliable source).  So instead of confronting her, I was planning and plotting on how I was going to catch her out.  Rather silly that a parent should be playing these types of games with their children, I know. 

Anyway, as the day progressed I realized that she was sitting in behind a closed-door and I hadn’t seen her for a while, so I sneaked down the passage on my toes and suddenly opened the door without knocking.  As I did that, I heard something drop.  I asked her what she was doing and so she handed me a blade, looking extremely flustered.  I then asked her what dropped, but she didn’t answer.  When I asked her to move away from where she was sitting, I picked the cell phone up laying on the floor.

I was so upset, but decided that I wasn’t going to freak out too much.  Instead I told her that I am her mother and I know the patterns already.  Usually it starts with doing things on the sly, then the cutting and then she drops the big bomb of running away.  She assured me that this was not the case and that she only had the blade with her for comfort and the cell phone so that she could look at pictures.  She also claimed that she hadn’t use the phone at school.  Well then how was I able to get the information that I did?  So I decided that I would take leave from work on Tuesday and Wednesday.

No sense in wasting time and so I took her to the Hospital on Tuesday, where she had previously been admitted as a suicide risk.  We chatted to the psychologist for a while, whom suggested a meeting at the end of August and also that we see the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist scheduled an appointment for her mid-September with him.  When she visits him, he will also re-look at her medication and possibly change it.

Wednesday went smoothly, but it appeared that she was feeling very frustrated with me, even though I was only trying to talk to her the whole time.  At the same time, I have been sick with flu since Tuesday and I am definitely not getting any better.  Last night same scenario.  I spoke to her in a normal tone of voice and she started shouting at me.  I eventually turned around and walked away, because I wasn’t going to stand there and tolerate it.

My theory is, if you can’t speak to me decently, don’t speak to me at all.  When you are ready to treat me with a little bit more respect, then you can come back and talk to me.  Obviously arranging all the appointments and seeking assistance from the right people, gave me slightly more comfort.  This morning I came to work as usual and shortly after I had settled in behind my desk, I received another message, stating that my daughter mentioned yesterday again that she was planning on running away.

Now I am sitting here at work, stressed beyond normal stress levels!  I am frustrated!

I am doing everything in my power to try to help my daughter, yet it would appear as though she doesn’t require my help at all.  Could you be so unhappy with a family that loves and cares for you?  Does she think that this is all one big game?  Does she not see what she is doing to us?  Has she become the ultimate manipulator? 

She seems to think that she is the only one finding life difficult from time to time, but she isn’t.  What about how I am feeling?  She is constantly telling me that she doesn’t like change, but isn’t that what life is about?  Constant change?  And don’t people generally adapt to change?  I know I had to adapt to plenty of change. 

I’ve always thought we (people) are all imperfect, we all have flaws and that you should love someone for their flaws as well.  Right now, I am finding it very difficult to accept these flaws. 

I’m Embarrassed because for some reason or the other I always seem to be the last one to find out what is happening in my daughter’s life.  She goes around talking to everyone about the way that she feels, yet I always get the answer, I am fine.  Some of the things she goes around telling people, is not even appropriate for the specific person.  I feel like people are looking at me and thinking that I must be a horrible mother and at certain times in my life, I feel like I am, but then I remind myself that I am human and I am trying the best that I can.

I am the one having to walk in the streets with her and even though I know that I shouldn’t, I still feel ashamed.  More ashamed on her part than on my part.  I don’t know what people know and I don’t know what people are saying about her, yet I see their heads turn to look.  I’ve always tried to teach her that if you do anything in life, you get a reputation.  That reputation may be good or bad, but people tend to forget the good and hold onto the bad.

Once you have a bad reputation, you will carry it with you for many years to come.

I am irritated and annoyed!  Why?  Because this is getting ridiculous now.  She has attempted to run away three times and every time, I found her the same day.  Does she honestly think that in attempting it again, she will get away with it?  Does she really think that I am that stupid not to see what is going on around me? But I am more irritate and annoyed by the fact that one person never learns from their mistakes.  Every time she has done this to me, she was so apologetic.  How can you say that you are sorry and do it to me again and again?

More so, I’m feeling pretty helpless.  I am not a psychologist, a doctor or a psychiatrist!  I do not have all the answers and I do not have the solutions.  My hands are chopped off!  I can’t watch her 24 hours a day / 7 days a week.  It is impossible and no parent can do that.  At one point, I was sleeping in my lounge on the couch, just to make sure that she doesn’t sneak past me and get out of the house somehow.  I eventually after weeks had to return to my bed, because I had aches and pains all over.  My neck was so sore that I was suffering with bad headaches during the day.  You are really powerless in these types of situations.

I am worried about everyone in my home.  I see what this has done to her two younger siblings and to her dad.  I know what all of this has done to me.  When someone does something so bad once, you can forgive them and try to understand what the circumstances were that was leading up to that, but when they do it a 2nd and a 3rd time, you don’t have trust in that person anymore.  It has put a huge strain on my family.  My husband wants her to be taken in at a place of safety and I can’t let my daughter go.  I think we have all reached a point where we don’t know what to believe or what to think anymore.

But the worse feeling of all is the hurt and the disappointment.  I love all my children and I would do absolutely anything for them.  In the process I will always try to protect them from the bad elements in life and avoid them getting hurt.  How can she tell me that she loves me, but yet she hurts me over and over again?  I would never want to hurt the person that I love and care for.  She has seen my face every time that she has done this, she has heard my screams and she has seen me lose it completely when I realised that she might have been hurt.  Do you see all of that and still decided to do it again.

The tension is making me sick.  I have again been struggling to fall asleep at night.  I find myself laying there until the early hours of the morning, so scared that I am going to get up and find that she has taken her things and left.  I find myself constantly thinking of what her next move is going to be and how I am going to solve this problem.  And then in a split second I realise that I am actually showing all the signs of being a crazy person.

My daughter is literally driving me insane and I can’t seem to find my focus point.

I wish that she will come to the realization of the situation and that she will know that my intentions are always for the best.  I have loved her yesterday, I have loved her today and I will love her tomorrow….. Just like I love all my children.

I will continue to love her for the rest of her life and I will never back down.  She can try to run as far as she wants, but I will run to the ends of the earth to find her.  She is my daughter and she will always be my daughter.