Lord Change Me

I haven’t written anything for a couple days now and to be honest, I wasn’t really sure on what to write.

Everything in my life has gone so horribly wrong for so long and I think that sometimes we reach a point in our lives where you almost feel like you are going to give up.  You question your entire existence.  Why do I have to suffer?  Why do I have to sacrifice?  Why can nothing in my life just go right for a change? Why is God not helping me?  Why are my prayers not being answered? The questioning can go on and on and on.  And then of course, God please change my children, especially my eldest daughter.  God please change my husband and God please change our circumstances.

This until my sister in law gave me a book to read.  “The power of a praying wife.”  Last night I had started reading this book and it felt as if this book had especially been written for me.  While I was laying on my bed reading, I came to realise that all my questioning and all my prayers had been extremely selfish.  Everything was about change that I wanted in my life, questioning all the things that I felt was wrong in my life.  All along I had neglected to really pray for the right reasons.  Even though I had just managed to read the first chapter of the book, I am so looking forward to reading the rest.

During all of these emotions, I listened to my husband when I spoke about the way that he was feeling and what he was going through, but it almost got me to the point that I just didn’t care about all of that.  My concern was only myself.  I pray, but yet nothing seemed to have improved, so last night I realized that everything can’t be handed to you on a silver platter.  If you want your situation to change, there is changes that you have to make within yourself.

I prayed that my daughter comes right, that she stops all of her nonsense, that she stops running away from home, that she stops telling my lies and hiding things from me.  I had been fighting her on everything and it return I believe that this had made her more determined to do what she wants to do and when she wants to do it.  I wasn’t allowing her to find her own place in this world.  So prior to reading the book, I spoke to someone that told me to change your entire approach, because the more I was fighting her, the more determined she will be.

I believe a lot of her problems had started with her first “true love”.  He was a drug addict, thief and whatever else you can think of.  I had warned him to stay away from our family and that I would do what I have to, to ensure that it stays that way.  Which of course I did.  I went to the police and laid every single charge I could possibly lay against him, as he stole from us, etc.

So on Saturday morning, I cornered her in the passage and I said that I will not stand in her way anymore.  I realize that you are not over your relationship with Gareth and I realize that no matter what I do, you will always find a way to fight me on it.  This is not me “not caring” or not loving you, but this is me hoping and trusting that the values I have instilled in you will shine through.  This is me hoping and trusting that you will do the right thing, but this is also me telling you that there is consequences to everything that you do in life.

Sad reality is that if you associate yourself with criminals, you too will be a “marked one”.  This is not something that I wanted for her, but it is also something that I can’t control anymore.  All I can do now is pray that God provides me with the strength and wisdom to be able to deal with every situation that arises.  Let Him show me the way.  Let Him show me what I should change in myself in order for me to change the situation.

I can’t sit here and constantly cry because my life is falling apart.  For a while now I have been feeling like my marriage has fallen apart and that is something that has probably hurt me the most.  I really love my husband with all of my heart and I would do just about anything for him, but at the same time I have cast a lot of anger and blame towards him because of our situation.  This is something that he knows, because he has already said to me that he knows I blame and hate him……..

Even though I sat there and said that I am just as much to blame for everything, I didn’t really believe it.  I felt that he was the one that gave up, but I couldn’t, I had to carry on and carry this huge burden on my shoulders.  But after reading, I tried to actually sit and imagine how he was feeling.  He is the man in the house, the head of our home.  I prayed last night and I told God that I do have a lot of resentment towards my husband and I am angered, He must please help me in releasing these emotions and supporting my husband.  Again, this is a change that I require within myself.

I will give my life to God completely and I will change myself willingly.  I have admitted to my short comings and all my negative emotions.  I submit myself to God and I am asking Him to walk with me and show me the way, even if nobody else in my family believes, I believe!  Divorce and running away from my problems is not what God wants.  The day I married my husband, I became one with him in God’s eyes.  I will pray for my husband and my children and I will put my trust in God’s hands.

It is amazing after reading just the first chapter of this book that it has made such a huge impact in the way that I feel and the things I could see so much more clearly. The author of this book is Stormie Omartian and this is not the only book that she has written, such as “The power of a praying parent” and “The prayer that changes everything”.  I would love to read all of her books.

Today is the first day in ages that I feel just a little bit more relaxed than what I have been feeling.  I am feeling a little bit more hopeful, even though I am feeling exhausted.  Last night there was also a sense of calmness that came over me.  Isn’t it just amazing how prayer can affect our lives?  So with that said, my you all bow to your knees and admit everything to the Lord and let Him help you through whatever obstacle my come your way.  Ask for His guidance.


2 thoughts on “Lord Change Me

  1. feetbythefireplace says:

    Love this, prayer is such a powerful thing and we tend to neglect it. There is a beautiful new Christian movie you should watch called “War Room” it’s all about a woman who prays for her husband and family. Super inspirational!


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