My Breaking Heart….

When I got home from work last night, my youngest daughter came running to me and telling me that her eleven year old friend (whom ran away with my eldest daughter this past Saturday) told her to search for my eldest daughter’s diary in her cupboard because there were things in there that she thinks we should know about.

As much as I didn’t want to invade my daughter’s privacy, I couldn’t help but have this extreme urge to find it and see what was written in there.  I found myself overcome with guilt because a parent or anyone for this matter should be doing this, but at the same time I was angered by the fact that I had to do it because my daughter doesn’t share anything with me.

Like a sly person I sat on my bed reading, whilst my youngest daughter was watching to see and warn me should my oldest one come.  All the things that I started reading was hurting me so much.  The one thing that had stood out the most was the list of people that she trusts.  Sadly I was not on that list, neither was my husband or her two younger siblings.

As a parent when you see these things, you always seem to question everything.  Why does she feel like she can’t trust you?  Are you a bad parent?  Can you ever mend the broken bond between you guys?  The list can carry on and on….

Whilst I was reading, I had come to know more about her relationship with all the wrong type of people as well and her plan during last week to run away that Saturday, after she had me convinced that she wasn’t planning anything in that regard.  “I actually believed her.”  It was actually getting to the point where I started trusting her again.  Finally it had felt as if our lives was coming together again.

These people that she seems to be associating herself with, are known criminal in our town.  They are people suffering from all kinds of addictions.  And no, we don’t allow her to go out and meet up with friends, this is all being done behind our back.  A simple ride on the bicycle turns into her meeting around the corner.  We do not allow her to have a phone, so she send messages on the sly from our phones and then deletes it so that we aren’t aware of anything.

I had been reading a specific entry in the diary made last week in which she was saying that she was going to Johannesburg to meet up with an “ex”, if that is what you can call him.  She stated that she knew that if she was with him, that nobody would find her and they could be together for the rest of their life.  Her plan was then to also fall pregnant with his child, so that he could never leave.

Suddenly my youngest daughter told me that she was coming towards the room, so I jumped up and shoved the diary under all my clothes in the cupboard and laid back on the bed.  When she walked in her first question was:  What is wrong?  I couldn’t contain myself any longer.  I was hurting so much and I felt so betrayed.  Numerous conversations and advise had made absolutely no difference in her life.

I started questioning her and she kept on wanting to know where this was all coming from.  She walked out of my bedroom and went to hers.  Seconds later she came back in my room and told me that I had taken her diary.  I admitted and told her seeing that she knows about it, let’s sit down and read it as I hadn’t finished before.

The last entry was made on the 22nd of August and it wasn’t the easiest entry for me to read.  It was all about her with the current boyfriend that she had also betrayed so much.  Toward the middle of the entry, my eye caught something about pregnancy.  My heart dropped and I had so much anger!  She said that she thought she might be pregnant because she is a day late.  I looked at her and asked her if she was still “late” and she said yes.

I immediately sent the boyfriend a message asking if he was proud of himself.  Only as I am writing this now, I remember my dad asking me that same question when I told him that I was pregnant.  When I sent him that message I was absolutely furious and I am still here.

The audacity of then asking me if I’m going to the police!  And when I ignore the message he tells me that he would like the opportunity to rather hand himself over to the police himself as he doesn’t want them to come and arrest him at his house.  So concerned about his own image and what people might say about him, but there is absolutely no concern about what my daughter might be going through, nor about what I am going through as her mother.

I had asked my husband to go and get a pregnancy test from the pharmacy, but he came back with the cheapest test ever.  We did the test and the results showed negative.  Everybody seemed rather happy about the results, but I keep on telling them that there is absolutely no confirmation that this test is accurate.  Nowadays you get all these fancy tests that can pick up from one week into the pregnancy.

I remember when I suspected my niece was pregnant, we took her blood tests that came back negative, even though she was indeed pregnant.  If your timing is just slightly off, that is the result that you will be getting. 

This morning driving to work, it the reality just sort of hit me again.  What is she is pregnant?  What future will she have?  What future will this baby have?  Not only that, but on Saturday when she was being so irresponsible to run away from home, she didn’t just place her own life in danger, but that of possibly an unborn baby as well.  I was in tears most of the way to work.  My head felt like it was going to burst.

The previous three times when she ran away from home, was hurting me and every time I managed to make peace with everything that happened.  This time however I am really struggling to come to terms with it all.

Does she not realise how a baby will affect her life.  She is only 15 years old and is already having to repeat grade eight.  In my eyes she is too young to be a mother and she nor the father is in any position to provide for a little life such as that.  For goodness sake, the father is trying to make a name for himself by rapping.  Where do you make time for studying and caring for a baby. 

I can see what will happen, I’m going to have to be the one that steps in.  I am going to have to be the one providing and taking care of the baby.  This is a choice that my daughter made on her own accord and she has decided on my behalf as well, because I had no knowledge of anything.

During the end of June she had actually approached me and told me that she wanted a baby.  It took days of lecturing, but I had eventually convinced her that this is such a bad decision.  We were walking in the mall and she said that she had been thinking about everything I said and I am right, she should wait until she has established herself before contemplating a baby.

It was all just lies and deceit.  She had manipulated my mind in thinking that she had gone off the topic of pregnancy. 

Children don’t seem to realize that their parent’s love them and want only the best for them at all times.  I don’t want to see any of my children struggling one day, I don’t want to see them jump from one work to the next, I don’t want to not have a roof over their head or a car to get from point A to point B.

I want them to be successful and I would love to see them settle down with loving partners and beautiful families.  This could happen!  They are all three so capable of achieving great things in life.  My eldest daughter had such a great outlook in life and it has all gone to ruins.

As a mother what do I do? My heart is breaking.

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