Emotional Wreck

Today I am finding myself sitting here feeling a flood of emotions and it is not good emotions at all.  Can your child put you through so much all at once?  Can one person hurt you as much as what she is hurting me?  On Monday I received a call and the person said that my daughter was planning and plotting to run away from home again and that she had a cell phone with her.  I didn’t want to let her know that I had received this information, nor from whom I received the information (very reliable source).  So instead of confronting her, I was planning and plotting on how I was going to catch her out.  Rather silly that a parent should be playing these types of games with their children, I know. 

Anyway, as the day progressed I realized that she was sitting in behind a closed-door and I hadn’t seen her for a while, so I sneaked down the passage on my toes and suddenly opened the door without knocking.  As I did that, I heard something drop.  I asked her what she was doing and so she handed me a blade, looking extremely flustered.  I then asked her what dropped, but she didn’t answer.  When I asked her to move away from where she was sitting, I picked the cell phone up laying on the floor.

I was so upset, but decided that I wasn’t going to freak out too much.  Instead I told her that I am her mother and I know the patterns already.  Usually it starts with doing things on the sly, then the cutting and then she drops the big bomb of running away.  She assured me that this was not the case and that she only had the blade with her for comfort and the cell phone so that she could look at pictures.  She also claimed that she hadn’t use the phone at school.  Well then how was I able to get the information that I did?  So I decided that I would take leave from work on Tuesday and Wednesday.

No sense in wasting time and so I took her to the Hospital on Tuesday, where she had previously been admitted as a suicide risk.  We chatted to the psychologist for a while, whom suggested a meeting at the end of August and also that we see the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist scheduled an appointment for her mid-September with him.  When she visits him, he will also re-look at her medication and possibly change it.

Wednesday went smoothly, but it appeared that she was feeling very frustrated with me, even though I was only trying to talk to her the whole time.  At the same time, I have been sick with flu since Tuesday and I am definitely not getting any better.  Last night same scenario.  I spoke to her in a normal tone of voice and she started shouting at me.  I eventually turned around and walked away, because I wasn’t going to stand there and tolerate it.

My theory is, if you can’t speak to me decently, don’t speak to me at all.  When you are ready to treat me with a little bit more respect, then you can come back and talk to me.  Obviously arranging all the appointments and seeking assistance from the right people, gave me slightly more comfort.  This morning I came to work as usual and shortly after I had settled in behind my desk, I received another message, stating that my daughter mentioned yesterday again that she was planning on running away.

Now I am sitting here at work, stressed beyond normal stress levels!  I am frustrated!

I am doing everything in my power to try to help my daughter, yet it would appear as though she doesn’t require my help at all.  Could you be so unhappy with a family that loves and cares for you?  Does she think that this is all one big game?  Does she not see what she is doing to us?  Has she become the ultimate manipulator? 

She seems to think that she is the only one finding life difficult from time to time, but she isn’t.  What about how I am feeling?  She is constantly telling me that she doesn’t like change, but isn’t that what life is about?  Constant change?  And don’t people generally adapt to change?  I know I had to adapt to plenty of change. 

I’ve always thought we (people) are all imperfect, we all have flaws and that you should love someone for their flaws as well.  Right now, I am finding it very difficult to accept these flaws. 

I’m Embarrassed because for some reason or the other I always seem to be the last one to find out what is happening in my daughter’s life.  She goes around talking to everyone about the way that she feels, yet I always get the answer, I am fine.  Some of the things she goes around telling people, is not even appropriate for the specific person.  I feel like people are looking at me and thinking that I must be a horrible mother and at certain times in my life, I feel like I am, but then I remind myself that I am human and I am trying the best that I can.

I am the one having to walk in the streets with her and even though I know that I shouldn’t, I still feel ashamed.  More ashamed on her part than on my part.  I don’t know what people know and I don’t know what people are saying about her, yet I see their heads turn to look.  I’ve always tried to teach her that if you do anything in life, you get a reputation.  That reputation may be good or bad, but people tend to forget the good and hold onto the bad.

Once you have a bad reputation, you will carry it with you for many years to come.

I am irritated and annoyed!  Why?  Because this is getting ridiculous now.  She has attempted to run away three times and every time, I found her the same day.  Does she honestly think that in attempting it again, she will get away with it?  Does she really think that I am that stupid not to see what is going on around me? But I am more irritate and annoyed by the fact that one person never learns from their mistakes.  Every time she has done this to me, she was so apologetic.  How can you say that you are sorry and do it to me again and again?

More so, I’m feeling pretty helpless.  I am not a psychologist, a doctor or a psychiatrist!  I do not have all the answers and I do not have the solutions.  My hands are chopped off!  I can’t watch her 24 hours a day / 7 days a week.  It is impossible and no parent can do that.  At one point, I was sleeping in my lounge on the couch, just to make sure that she doesn’t sneak past me and get out of the house somehow.  I eventually after weeks had to return to my bed, because I had aches and pains all over.  My neck was so sore that I was suffering with bad headaches during the day.  You are really powerless in these types of situations.

I am worried about everyone in my home.  I see what this has done to her two younger siblings and to her dad.  I know what all of this has done to me.  When someone does something so bad once, you can forgive them and try to understand what the circumstances were that was leading up to that, but when they do it a 2nd and a 3rd time, you don’t have trust in that person anymore.  It has put a huge strain on my family.  My husband wants her to be taken in at a place of safety and I can’t let my daughter go.  I think we have all reached a point where we don’t know what to believe or what to think anymore.

But the worse feeling of all is the hurt and the disappointment.  I love all my children and I would do absolutely anything for them.  In the process I will always try to protect them from the bad elements in life and avoid them getting hurt.  How can she tell me that she loves me, but yet she hurts me over and over again?  I would never want to hurt the person that I love and care for.  She has seen my face every time that she has done this, she has heard my screams and she has seen me lose it completely when I realised that she might have been hurt.  Do you see all of that and still decided to do it again.

The tension is making me sick.  I have again been struggling to fall asleep at night.  I find myself laying there until the early hours of the morning, so scared that I am going to get up and find that she has taken her things and left.  I find myself constantly thinking of what her next move is going to be and how I am going to solve this problem.  And then in a split second I realise that I am actually showing all the signs of being a crazy person.

My daughter is literally driving me insane and I can’t seem to find my focus point.

I wish that she will come to the realization of the situation and that she will know that my intentions are always for the best.  I have loved her yesterday, I have loved her today and I will love her tomorrow….. Just like I love all my children.

I will continue to love her for the rest of her life and I will never back down.  She can try to run as far as she wants, but I will run to the ends of the earth to find her.  She is my daughter and she will always be my daughter.

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